Our 45 is not a straw man. He is the epitome of everything that is wrong with being a man in our society. And he presents a terrible role model for our boys, because he is violent, narcissistic, dumb, uncaring, untrustworthy. In other words, he is not a good man.
Note that nothing I say here has anything to do with his political opinions. There are many I disagree with, but who I think are fine men and would gladly socialize with. On all sides of the political spectrum.
This time does call on us to steady our hands and raise great men. We will need them.
Preamble
There’s really only one way any parent can be expected to function well. That way is with support from and in connection with other adults who have their back, emotionally and practically.
The first task of any parent, I believe firmly, is to organize their support system. In particular when relatives are not nearby to help out and to reassure, parents need to make a conscious effort to build and maintain support. You matter too much, and your work matters too much, for it to go unsupported. Isolation is the single biggest obstacle to good parenting. Otherwise, parents have what it takes.
44 ways to stand by your man (in no particular order)
- You listen
- You stand by his side
- You stand in full solidarity
- You believe him—and you believe in him also when he’s wrong
- You believe in your boys inherent sense of fairness
- You remember that he has a deep inner emotional life
- Your language affirms his feelings
- You always remember that he’s a good kid
- You make lots of loving and caring skin to skin contact
- You hug
- You wrestle—A lot
- You snuggle—A lot
- You play outdoors
- You let him play with friends who care for him—as often as possible
- You listen to him cry
- You let him know that crying is a good thing—and you believe that to be true
- You listen to his opinions
- You make every effort to honor his opinions
- You make room for his need to be physically active
- You bring him to safe places where he can climb, roll, run, and swim
- You honor his desire to have fun
- You honor his sense of adventure
- You allow his body to be big or small, as he wishes
- You model emotional availability
- You model emotional vulnerability
- You model caring in your relationships
- You model trust in your relationships
- You model friendship in your relationships
- You model empathy by empathizing with him
- You join him in his sense of humor—yes, you shall tell fart jokes
- You look him in the eyes, with a soft gaze
- You demand that everybody in the school respect him
- You form a united front with him not against him
- You emotionally honor his wishes, even when you can’t honor them in reality
- You let him talk when he’s ready to talk
- You solve problems collaboratively
- You remain unflappable no matter his language
- You reward risk taking
- You are completely trustworthy
- You honor his sense of confidentiality
- You honor his friendships
- You remember that he has far more in common with girls than sets him apart
- You encourage him with delight, warmth, and humor
- You give him great role models
- You don’t medicate him unless all other options have been exhausted
- Your tone of voice reflects your love for him at all times.